The big "white" wedding...............

It was an uncertain year - life as I knew it was rolling to an end. There was a general global down-turn in the market place; and my country's economy in particular, was in turmoil owing to suspect fiscal policies. My own life seemed to be mirroring this general sorry state of affairs - with college days coming to an end; And having inherited no connections or developed credible networks, I was worried about my future beyond Mount Pleasant. Going back to the dusty streets of a high density neighbourhood was not an option. To further complicate my small life, I was also beginning to second guess my commitment to a tall, handsome

young man - whom I had exclusively dated during my college days.

So that winter our relationship buckled under my insecurities; And I walked away from the four year deal, which had naively been negotiated to culminate into a big "white" wedding, accompanied by a bigger honeymoon to consummate the rest of our lives. Time to reflect and needing space were cited as reasons. There were tears, accusations of betrayal and at times harsh words were exchanged; But the decision had been made – I swam to the “single and available” shore once again.

I was solidly single - roaming free, leading a care-free life and should have been happy – but the silence was deafening. So I sent a request to the universe – for a tall, dark, handsome stranger, who would give me a big white wedding and take me to Fiji for a honeymoon – and a host of other qualities. It was  a long list. The preacher man had said to be specific in our requests.

The rest of that year was however busy, there were projects to conclude, examinations to pass, jobs to find and relocations to consider – so that filled the silence and the year went by.  I received some applications, entertained a few – but none matched the long profile.

Then he quietly worked his way into my life. He was handsome but short – and so could not have been the answer to my request. I relaxed in his presence, coining the phrase “friend” to describe our casual chats. I even confided in him about potentials who were chasing me; or I was chasing.

One evening, after a particularly bruising encounter with a“Mr Potential”, I broke down and cried, prompting him to say “You don’t know how much you are worth”. I could hardly sleep that night – as I pondered over that statement. What worth was he talking about – of course I knew my value – or did I? If I knew my value would I mourn over men who wouldn’t show up for appointments? Would I cry over men who resented my independence; Would I cry over men whose fidelity was questionable – would I, would I?  And I had an “Aha moment” that night………….. God was still in the business of answering prayers, and He definitely did not think tall was what I needed.

There was no big “white” wedding, no Fiji –  just a low key family affair where money, cattle and some gifts  exchanged  hands; And on some forgettable date we alerted the state, who obliged by giving us a certificate.

It has been eleven years – a short eleven years – we have moved houses a remarkable seven times, moving countries in the process. We have cooperated in the creation of a beautiful human being – we have lost a father, we have graduated, we have laughed, we have grown  – Norway replaced Fiji, BUT he still owes me a big “white” wedding!

French, Friends and Other Lessons

I awake to the sound of the city’s traffic. Its early hours of December 5th 2008, and scores of cars are zooming past Citoyënne Mobutu Avenue – I observe an assortment of vehicles large shiny American model SUVs, battered Japanese mini-buses, ram-shackles – I even spot a Hummer or two. Thirty minutes go by, but I continue standing at the bedroom window of a friend’s apartment – watching the world below me. Events of the last 48 hours have left me jobless and exhausted – so I am grateful to be rushing nowhere.
I see people purposefully walking up the street. I notice mothers hugging small girls as they drop them off at the school across the street. I watch this exchange for a while, and suddenly nostalgia and longing for my own girls descend upon me. Those hugs summarize a mothers’ dreams and desires for their daughter – and if I were to have a conversation with mine right now – I would offload lessons from the past 11 months, and so here goes:

World Citizenship
Learn another language. Learn to speak Portuguese, French, Spanish, Mandarin or whatever else you choose! It will never be a wasted effort. Language will enable you to navigate the world, visit exotic places and take up your place as a citizen of the world. (I wish I could go back to 1989 – I would take Ms Evans’s French lessons seriously – seriously I would); And besides a Spanish son-in-law sounds exotic!

The Common Touch
Always remember that anyone and everyone you encounter - the potter, the security guard in the parking lot, the waiter, the cleaner, the king of the castle – everyone is looking for validation ( I borrowed that from my friend Oprah Winfrey); - they want to know that they matter. Find a way to forge relationships with common folk and kings alike. Be interested in who they are as a human being – ask after their children, their fields, their dogs, their yacht – know their name. Better still if you speak their language - you will touch their heart and be unforgettable.
This does not mean everyone will warm up to you – that’s to be expected, it is the way of the world. Some will question your motives, whilst others will mistrust your colour – yet do not let such rejection blind you to what beauty there is in relating intimately to people. Let it be said of you “She can walk with Kings without losing the common touch!”

The odds are in your favour
If you never take any of my ramblings seriously, this is one point I could pay you to be attentive – it’s that important. Get an education! Girl, I cannot emphasize that enough – get an education. Get a college degree – in whatever, but get an education! (But just so you know – I prayed for an Atomic Physicist!) An education will afford you independence, you will pay your own way, you will travel. You will sit in bars with educated blocks – and in the process, better your prospects of marrying well – get an education! You have inherited decent genes – your fathers’ brains, your mothers’ tenacity – the odds are in your favour.

Boundaries
You are, no doubt, a pretty being – a combination of your looks, your wit, your humour – your sharp brain, will no doubt attract a lot of admirers, friends, suitors – it’s a fact of your life. But you my girl you want to preserve your sanity, your soul, your beauty – set boundaries.
You want to have a fun life ( after all this is it – no rehearsals) – so dance, party – if you will – but remember to pay your own way, and keep your clothes on – class ain’t cheap!
So my dear, honour your life with boundaries that show you are your father’s daughter (he is a good man!); boundaries that incorporate my ramblings, boundaries that honour the religion of your grandfather.

Resident Bastards
Guaranteed, every station in life has its resident bastards. They are the liars, the bigots, the racists, the chauvinistic pigs – that you are sure to encounter. They come in the person of your school teacher, that refuses to see your potential, the college boy that wants to outstrip you of your dignity by claiming “If you love me you will……..”. You will encounter the bastard in your boss who has issues with the combination of your colour, gender and brains. Your job dear girl, is to identify and demystify these lowly un-evolved beings at each station of your life; And find a way to outwit them. Remember your father’s teaching – You are a smart, talented, gifted and beautiful child of God and no bastard can change that.


Friends
Lastly my dear girl, when life hits you below the loins (as it sure will); the world market plays up and your contract comes to a premature end – you want to have an Ida who will give you keys to her apartment, so you do not end up in the streets of a foreign land. You get it – you want to make real friends wherever you go!

A bientôt!